We crave validation of our work, and when we get it we so easily let ego and wanting to please everyone derail us. Learn from what I have in the last week or two. Whilst it is great to find those people who appreciate your work, be careful not to try to give too much of yourself away. You can just as easily become spread to think.
Photo Credit: Lila Fine Art Photography, Neolen Pillay
The Id, Ego and Superego
Of the id, ego and superego, the middle child is the most difficult to keep in check and has the potential to do the most good or most harm. It’s not like I didn't know about this. I had just read about it in The Meaning in the Making. That’s the funny thing about humans though. Just because we’re aware of something does not mean we have absolute control over it.
Perhaps I am leaning toward believing that free will really does not exist these days. We do have the free will to choose how we act out our reactions to input stimuli, but I think that the immediate, almost instantaneous, instinctual response in my mind or heart is a product of historical factors that have shaped my neural network to respond in certain ways. I would recommend reading some of the work of Dr. Robert Sapolsky. There is also an interesting episode of Startalk with Dr. Neil de Grasse-Tyson on YouTube where they debate the matter very informatively. Quite thought-provoking even if like me, you don’t fully know which side of the argument you stand on.
I’m well aware of this ego problem. When I was younger and extremely introverted I repressed my true nature because society promoted extroverts. This was in the 1990’s and 2000’s when I was in my formative years, but not much has changed socially amongst the older people. I have far more hope for Gen-Z and Gen-Alpha to come.
In order to create a believable facade I acted like extroversion was my natural state of being, so much so that I think at times I believed it more than anyone. I saw the people who got ahead in life. Who stood out in school and at work, and who were rewarded as a result of being seen and heard. I wanted to be like them.
This is where the ego comes in. A little further reading on your part will explain what the id, ego and superego are. In my interpretation, the id relates to those very bottom rungs in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. The baser instincts of being a human. The Superego on the other end of the spectrum is that which makes us want to be part of a society outside of ourselves. The human ‘need’ to be part of the collective.
If the Id and Superego are the kids at either end of the see-saw on the playground, each equal in mass, the Ego is the fulcrum around which the see-saw teeters. It is a movable one. An ever-moving balance point. As the ego shifts from side to side so does the tendency of one or the other child to push down on their side of the see-saw. Essentially the ego is the balance control mechanism.
I see my ego this way. I think we all need to wipe clean the notion we have of ego, and do some research before deciding on our individual interpretation of it. The way I see it, too little ego and I’m cowering silently, going unnoticed but this is actually my happy place. I do my most profound work here. I am most at peace here (most of the time, don’t forget, I’m nuts). I create at my best here.
But society has had another plan for most of my life thus far. I was led to believe that in order to be a part of society I needed to be seen. To be seen, I needed to let my ego loose so that the confidence that comes with doing so, the ability to talk to people, to laugh and tolerate small talk that really bugs the shit out of me if it’s not stimulating, are all at play in the more socially accepted way.
Yesterday I went to a ‘business breakfast’ thing and the facilitator asked each person to stand when introducing themselves. I decided not to. He asked me again to please stand and I said no and continued talking. You know why? Because the world needs to become more understanding of each other's unique preferred state of being. If we don’t, we stand to miss out on heaps of knowledge from people, most often the deepest thinkers, who just don’t prefer to stand up and speak. No scientific correlation here but the facilitator and all others who stood up were of the older generational mindset. I feel like it is just a tendency toward conformance that drives them, not necessarily their age that influences their mindset. It is multi-faceted and complex really. Too much for a single article.
Regardless, so it went that after years of exuding false confidence in an effort to mask my insecurity and lack of confidence in my own abilities, I apparently came across as arrogant.
FOR FUCK SAKE! There’s just no winning is there?!
This is why we have to use our ego to find balance, but it is not a static phenomenon. It requires ever-changing incremental movements of the fulcrum.
Yesterday we took Mira down to the beach to try out her new skateboard for the first time. She took to it quickly but was getting very frustrated that it would not naturally stay in a straight line. I explained to her that it was very difficult for a skateboard to go straight because it moves from side to side depending on where her foot pushed down. Now let’s be realistic, it’s not the simplest concept for a five-year-old to grasp immediately, but after a few little exercises on the floor without the board I got her to feel what shifting her weight would do. By the time we left the beach, she was directing that board (mostly) where SHE wanted to go.
How different is that to life and balancing the ego? Not very much I would say. It’s a dance.
I’ve been spending a lot of time at the beach watching the longboarders. The more experienced surfers prance up and down the tops of their boards as they glide on the waves. It’s graceful. Flowing. Like flying. Whilst all the time they have an eye on where they’re heading and an innate sense of balance, knowing, no, feeling how to distribute their mass along the board.
People Pleasers Unite, Let's Do Everything for Free!
Now let's throw another influential personality trait into the mix. Who of you are people pleasers? Come on now, raise your hands. Or don't. Actually, stand up, you will be pleasing me if you do and you should feel terrible if you don't.
I fell into that trap too these past two weeks. The ability to say no has been something I have worked on for a long time, but add that to this need for external validation, finally receiving some (deservedly so) and then trying to give too many people a piece of me, and for free. I think my biggest problem, and the thing that I am learning is to slow down. The only people who want everything all at once at the highest level of quality are your bosses, Clients and me, for my own work.
It is not like I have not heard it time and time again, "Don't work for free, but also go watch the life story of most bands and artists, their early years were long hours, free shows and a lot of working for exposure."
Couple this with the insecurity and anxiety of "Am I good enough?"
"Will people even like my work?"
"Do they or are they just saying that to be nice?"
"Do they only like my work because it is free?"
"But isn't free work diminishing my value?"
"Okay, increase that ego."
"No, no, you're being arrogant!"
"How can a newcomer to the industry think their work is of such value?"
The list is endless.
I am sure that I am not the only one to have gone through this and that is why I am putting this out there now.
For those starting out, at anything, you are not alone!
Everyone feels vulnerable sometimes. Entrepreneurs feel it a lot, don't be fooled by their apparent icy cool demeanour. Everyone is panicking inside, just a little bit.
So where does that leave us? I am going back to the baseline of my why, my purpose. In fact I think we all need to write this down somewhere. Every time ego and people-pleasing start to push us off course, we need to take a moment to look back at our purpose and reset.
I am actually only finally putting this down in writing now. See how inadvertently trying to share my experience is forcing me to face my own roadblocks?
Reset to Your Baseline, Remember Your Purpose
What is the purpose of my life's work?
It is to help others grow through mentoring and teaching the skills I have. It is to use my skills to benefit others through creating art that speaks to me, that truly moves me. The stuff I want to experience over and over. Refer back to Alfred Adler's notion of the feeling of community.
What does that look like practically?
Documentary photography and filmmaking that captures the human condition in the world around us. Giving my skills to deserving causes like NPO's for example. Creating writing and videos that transfer my skills and experience, also known as mentorship.
How do I keep myself emotionally and psychologically motivated in the present, to achieve these things?
I must reduce my need for external validation by surrounding myself with the people who truly appreciate my work, and me, for what we are. Those are people who are not only those willing to pay for it, but those who just give you that feeling that they are truly invested in you. It is difficult to explain, but it is a gut feeling, a vibe that you get from certain people. The payment need not be monetary or material at all, your emotional and psychological reactions will tell you who those people are. Don't try to understand why. Just accept and revel in it.
In time, living this way will reduce my need for external validation altogether. Whilst the ideal situation would be to not need it at all, I don't think it is realistic to expect oneself to suddenly be able to dispense with the need for external validation entirely.
Lastly, I need to keep making the stuff that I love. Not what pleases other people. Some of it will and that's great, but shaping your work around others' expectations or rules from a society, takes away from that very thing which attracts true believers to you in the first place.
It is a very difficult path this, do not be dissuaded when you fall prey to your vulnerabilities. Embrace them and reset. It is going to be an ongoing battle.
Like going straight on the skateboard, some problems don't have absolute solutions, they require constant, small adjustments and that is okay. It makes it much easier if we accept that so we do not expect too much of ourselves. The latter just compounds one's ability to stay motivated.
I hope that you find this little bit of my recent experience useful in your journey. I would love to chat more about your particular story if you want to. Please reach out!
Until next time.
Neo
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