Any form of 'work' wherein one or more people in a committed relationship is involved in some form of intimate connection with someone from outside of that relationship can raise uncomfortable feelings. How do artists and their significant others deal with this? The answer is one word; Trust.
Disclaimer: This article contains strong language and sexual references.
Boudoir aside, the portraiture and fine art aspects of Līlā Fine Art Photography are equally as intimate as the more obvious niches. Our process is specifically designed to combine mentorship/coaching with photography. Our concept is based on human connectivity and authenticity, and to make art that truly captures the essence of the person, an intimate connection has to be established before even touching the camera.
We work to know WHO our Clients are, not just WHAT they are.
Regardless of the existence of any sexual attraction between people, intimacy still exists. Knowing enough about a person's life, and experiences and sharing yours with them to a point of empathy or deep understanding means knowing each other intimately.
Don't get me wrong here. The highest level of professionalism is maintained, but by the very nature of mentorship and coaching, whether it be in the personal or business sense, it requires a deep understanding of a person on a very vulnerable level. It is vulnerability that most often shapes our roadblocks in life. That anxiety, the fear, the uncertainty often can be traced back to vulnerability in some form or the other. I was a member of the Coaches and Mentors Association of South Africa (COMENSA) for a while, and had a mentor of my own when I decided that being a mentor was a the part of my life that most motivated me outside of my family and friends. I learned many coaching and mentorship techniques, some of which I agree with and some of which I don't, the ones that aligned with my personal values, I retained.
I mentored many young adults in the past few years in professional and life skills, and even that required an intimate understanding of each other. Suffice it to say that all our relationships are protected by non-disclosure and confidentiality agreements.
It is no different with Līlā, but obviously, the nature of the niche pushes the boundaries of personal space. Thus it is for people to understand and want that sort of push, knowing full well that the outcome of what may seem like temporary discomfort is valuable personal growth.
Being on the other side of the lens is no different. We always say that mentorship is an exchange of value whether tangible or not. On the other side of the lens is always a sense of discomfort too, but we (Leeanne and I) have chosen this for our lives and our relationship because we know how fulfilling it is, and we have the one thing in our relationship that trumps all others. TRUST.
I was never one to need a holy text or legal document to affirm my commitment to Leeanne, and neither did she. We knew what we wanted and continue to want in life, each other. We have so much trust that we have talked about, many times, and agreed that should the day come that each other is not what the other wants anymore, we will tell each other before doing anything else. Thinking about the permutations of life, does not mean it is what you want. You cannot possibly, with 100% certainty predict how you will interpret reality for the rest of your life. It is an ever-evolving paradigm. The only thing that a person can do for those that matter to them, is be able to be honest about any changes that happen as they are happening, not after the fact. All this approach needs, is for the receiving party to BELIEVE what they are being told. If you have mutual belief, you have mutual trust. With mutual trust, you have the ability to be your true self, all the time. What better way to enjoy the time we have on this planet, than feeling how YOU want to feel allof the time?
‘Honesty is more important than monogamy’
Enter the gasps in disgust! "What like that, this people got no shame!?"
Now, I don’t have express permission to name drop. Nonetheless it’s an extreme (to some) but powerful statement. It’s largely because this person, their partner and Leeanne and I have a similar outlook toward honesty and trust. Not implying that we will be running around fornicating with every person we see.
Trust.
We know that our marriage is our ‘home’ and we don’t assume to know what each other's ever-evolving view is on everything in the relationship, but we are open and honest enough to talk to each other, without fear of judgment, before the trust is broken by words or actions that go against our core values. Perhaps those established values after 15 years together have changed. I would be surprised if they hadn’t at least been reprioritised. We’ve both grown and evolved. I think a lot of people tend to assume what the evolved state is based on the experiences they’ve had with each other. But by the very virtue that the person is evolving changes the way they see the world, continuously and infinitely. This means that your assumption based on history could be completely wrong.
The bottom line is freedom to speak unapologetically about what each other wants is paramount. Constantly. Wanting to do, is not the same as doing. You don't have control of your wants, thoughts and emotions until you're already aware of their existence, but you can control how you react to them. By expressing your desire or interest in something, you still have time to try to alter your view toward the desire if your partner's view is opposed to it. Who knows? They could very well have been thinking along similar lines, and may surprise you with an amicable compromise. I think we give too much inference to desire when it's the choice after that emotion and psychological state that matters. Your partner also has a choice to make. Knowing that their significant other wants something, denying that (which the person could go ahead with anyway), or in accepting it in conflict with their values at the time, each comes with its own set of consequences. There is no right or wrong answer.
So it shouldn’t really matter. If your significant other is going to fuck a client, even if they were not a boudoir photographer, they were probably going to fuck someone else anyway. That’s intrinsic quality. It has nothing to do with the people they’re working with. If that person is enough of an asshole to break your trust they were that person already. It was going to happen one way or the other
Now don’t get this wrong. We are all human. As a partner to a boudoir or even portrait photographer, your significant other is getting very intimate with their Clients and not necessarily in a romantic or sexual sense. In the process we use at Līlā, as much as Leeanne and I work on projects together, I’m alone with our Clients a lot of the time. Part of the process we have built is getting to know our clients and them us, on a very deep level and that, whether the shoot is boudoir or not, is extremely intimate.
Could I have expected to come home from my first shoot at a Clients house being alone with them for 5 hours, and for Leeanne to feel nothing? Absolutely not. If that had been the case our marriage would have far bigger problems.
Understand this. Leeanne has been the inspiring force and the support system that has led us to this point and the existence of Lila. Sounds conflicting right? Perhaps you’re thinking that she has been masking her true feelings for my sake so that I could pursue this passion for the arts. I don't believe so because I trust in what she has told me, which is completely the opposite of what would be a poor assumption for me to have made without truly trusting in her words.
This story is meant to illustrate what is a critical consideration in any relationship, regardless of the profession one is in. I just felt that it was a practical, and very real way to articulate the message.
Until next time...
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