More so than ever, we construct personae based on social media, apparent public scrutiny and assumption. We have become a society of sceptics as a defence mechanism. It is not the judgement that is the crime, but the response upon further inspection. Do you possess the humility to admit when you were wrong?
Disclaimer: This article is purely of my own opinion. It does not by any means represent the opinion of any other person or entity. It is thus by no means based in unequivocal fact, or attempts to be in any way. The images were captured with the permission of the subjects. Any objection by the subjects to this article, will be met with immediate removal from the public domain if necessary. It does not intend to be defamatory in any way.
Camera gear-check. Jeans from Pick 'n Pay Clothing - check. Faded black V-Neck shirt with Mitchum pit stains -check. Two holes in said V-neck shirt - check, noticed upon arriving at the venue. Oh well, I would be invisible at this event anyway so who cares.
It was the second anniversary celebration at a branch of an internationally revered five-star hotel chain in Umhlanga, Durban, to which Lila had been invited to make some photographs.
Feelings of excitement overshadowed by trepidation abound, I bounced from confidence to psychological paralysis leading up to the event. I had a plan as to the types of images I wanted to capture, but was wary of their reception. A second photographer was invited to capture the expected 'event style' photographs for promotional purposes so I had the freedom to photograph in the Lila way. To capture the essence of the people there. People whose social and financial status placed them at the upper echelon of society. I was an insignificant bug with a glowing LED light and beady eye ready to capture what I could.
Refine and Accept
I hope that this is where my sense of authenticity comes to the fore, the basis upon which my photography has been built. I think I am trying to convince myself of that more so than you. With every passing photographic opportunity I am refining what I want my work to say but it is difficult to accept the path to getting there. It comes with fear. That being the case, swinging from zero to 100% confidence in this relatively new journey, career or otherwise, makes it very difficult to stay true to what you want to, all of the time. We have been taught that the world does not work that way. We don't always get what we want in the real world, a thought that is subconsciously modified to omit the 'always' when it registers in my overthinking mind.
So the question emerges from time to time, "Why are you trying to reinvent the wheel? If the industry is not doing what you're thinking of by now, surely there is a reason. Surely it is not going to work."
And so the self-doubt has driven me to do some of the mainstream forms of photography. It has been necessary. It has taught me which elements of it I don't want as part of my life and work. I understand the risk that comes with diverting from those mainstream niches and methods, but by trying them I am learning where the cost is more detrimental than I should attempt to endure. School fees must be paid.
Side Quest: An Opportunity to Practice Rhetoric
In my attempts to become a better storyteller and to incorporate film making techniques into my photography, I have been watching videos on the Studio Binder Youtube Channel. One in particular (Studio Binder, 2024) spoke of the use of rhetoric in storytelling. I am somewhat familiar with the skill, an art form in itself, thanks to my academic work in my PhD proposal and much of which is discussed in Robert. M. Pirsig's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (Pirsig. M. 2014). I am no lawyer but in order to present arguments that could hold up against one some day, I am taking this, and future opportunities to practice the art or using Ethos, Pathos and Logos to my advantage. To make myself heard, without needing to be the loudest in the room.
I have always felt that having to extensively convince someone of something was manipulative, and it can be if taken too far. I hate it when it is used with the intention to manipulate and mislead, like in advertisements, by influencers and in 'client relations.' However I have come to learn that one can use rhetoric with authenticity and integrity to great positive outcome. To get your message across. To be heard. Once heard, it is the listeners choice whether to believe or not.
Try and spot where I have done so (used rhetoric), in contradiction to some of it's principle which work best in a subliminal way. Or ask yourself whether me telling you this has been a use of Rhetoric in itself.
I hope to one day be able to tell my story to help others like me, in fact like us as a family. A currently nameless story about my mental health journey, impact on our family and marriage and how I used photography et. al to ease my mind.
Values as a Basis for Misjudgement
In returning from my side quest, as my neurodivergent brain tends toward quite often, I have come to realise that my (hopefully) inherent 'good' values; authenticity, integrity, the desire for transparency, humanism, and genuineness may also have had a negative conditioning effect on my view of people and places. Blinkers. Paranoid-coloured glasses.
Society being what it is, and with every new scam coming into the spotlight through a Limited Series, how can we not be suspicious of the intentions of people? I detest influencers, wrongly so in some cases, but how can I not when a large percentage of them spread poorly researched, weakly supported arguments for their opinions and somehow are believed by the masses. I ask, "How can you fall for that?"
Is it herd mentality or am I just being arrogant? Nonetheless, it has shaped my knee-jerk response to influencers. Similarly, shows like Keeping Up with the Kardashians and The Real Housewives of...[insert city here], have created the impression of people willing to do anything and put on any facade, for the followers, popularity, social status and subsequent financial benefit. This was the case in my mind at least. Coupled with my vehement desire for authenticity, my fear of becoming a societal sheep kicks the defence mechanism into gear; this person is fake, I want nothing to do with people like that.
It happens so quickly I cannot pre-empt it. Any attempt to pre-empt would have been in response to the initial emotional stimulus and thus in itself have been a response to the thought, not a rewiring of my interpretation. This I believe is all we practically can do effectively. There are medical professionals, Psychologists, Occupational Therapists and Academics all with varying points of view on the matter. Some say you can change that initial response by essentially using techniques to alter neural pathways, but I think that starts with belief. Belief that that could work. If you, like me, do not yet possess that belief, I don't think it will work.
So in an attempt to open my mind to the possibilities contrary to my initial response I focus on being aware of the fact that it's happening, and challenge myself to stop and consider the other possibilities that I was initially blind to. The goal is not to decipher which view is correct or incorrect, but rather simply to add to the pool of information that informs what I want to take away from the interaction. The view I choose could be 'wrong'. I may never know. That is okay, I actually don't need to know. So long as the inevitable outcome and impact on me is acceptable, it really does not matter. Whether that person has made peace with who they are or how they are seen, is for them to accept.
I was a Hypocrite
If I feel so strongly about authenticity blah blah blah, then why would I accept the invitation to photograph people who embody many of the traits that I so proudly object to? This is where fear and vulnerability come in. The fear of failure in my chosen path, influenced by years of understanding of the business world and management practices. I am aware that these may not be the 'type of people' that my work is meant for, or that I want to work with. In having that view I am guilty of thinking myself better than others, the very trait that I detest about those people.
Hypocrite.
Now what informed that view? What I have seen on social media, TV and what others have said.
Hypocrite.
This is the point of this whole article. I accepted the invitation to the event because logic told me that in order to be seen, I needed to 'network' no matter the reality that it contradicts the values that underpin my work. Logic told me that in the real world this is just what has to happen, or you fail in the shadows. Choice and consequence. I allowed logic to control me.
At the event, during the formalities, I stood awkwardly on the sidelines listening to one attention seeker belt their name at every opportunity that had nothing to do with them, as people went up to speak or receive prizes. Sidebar: These are multi-millionaires, what use is a free one night stay at the hotel to them? Are they really the people who need or deserve 'prizes' of this nature?
Hypocrite.
Giving People the Benefit of the Doubt Benefits my State of Mind
After the formalities, I decided, fuck it we are here now. This is likely the last time I will be in a room with these people, I have to make use of the opportunity BUT I will capture the images as my philosophy dictates. If that is not acceptable, and this is this end of that road it was meant to be. It is a sign that Lila was not meant for these situations.
I walk up to the CEO of the (National) group of the hotel chain. Rejection. Friendly and kind rejection, but a rejection nonetheless. I have grown a thick skin. Move on.
Next target, the owner of the hotel.
He is busy, but entertains our request. Whilst trying to explain our approach to photography and what makes it unique, I watch his eyes bounce around the room inattentively. My initial response: of course he would not have the time of day for us mere peasants. His remarks after me having captured the image only confirmed my initial reaction, "I have had thousands of photos taken of me, what makes yours special."
A kind and respectful "You will see," was my verbal response.
No shit you don't know, had you been paying attention, you would not have needed to ask that question, but I am not surprised, my inside voice was saying.
We showed our gratitude for having been granted the opportunity at all, and made our way out of the conversation. Like I said, thick skin. Rejection is par for the course in this game and in life. Leeanne taught me that years ago but I wore her down to go out with me eventually.
Later, I thought about it to myself, regarding my initial reaction to him. His eyes were darting around the room. If that were me, and I had my biggest investors, members of the board and business partners at my event, an event that is a representation of me, my hotel, would my eyes not be darting around too, scanning to make sure my guests were happy? I thought back to a time when my ADHD brain would have been all over the room and outside of it and back. I also thought about how I actively tell Leeanne that I am able to pay attention to more than one thing at a time sometimes. In fact, at times I need to do it to stay stimulated enough to remain in the present. We don't know what was going on in his mind. There were a few other possibilities I had conjured up, but it would just labour the point.
Did this man give some of his time to us? Strangers.
Yes.
Would thinking negatively about the interaction affect him or me?
Only me, negatively.
Did giving him the benefit of the doubt cost me anything, or negatively impact me in any way?
No.
So why not do it? Whether my view of the situation was a negative impression of him in an effort not to be fooled by a possible facade, or positive in giving him the benefit of the doubt, I am the only one who would have walked away with a bad taste in my mouth if I had chosen the former. In the interest of my photography, and capturing this man's essence (as best I could given the environmental conditions) neither mattered. Both would have resulted in my ability to make the photographs. The only thing that would be affected would be how I look back on the experience, and how I feel when working with and viewing the images. Did I want that to taste bitter? No.
Benefit of the doubt it was.
Vivian Reddy created by Neolen Pillay for Lila Fine Art Photography
I Judged the Book and was Terribly Mistaken
We approached his wife next. She is a well known public figure. I had heard the odd story that she was not what most people assume. Her aesthetic choices over the past two decades came into harsh scrutiny in the public eye. Sensationalism sells. I have to admit, my unrelenting urge not to pay any attention to these people and their world meant that I really did not have sufficient information to support my presumptions of them. However, I had made them.
Hypocrite.
Her aesthetic choices represented the very qualities that I detest of that world, and based on that, only that,I had built a persona for her in my mind. She was on the back foot going in. Surely all the social media posts were a front. A facade to make us think this was a genuine person.
Paranoid sceptic.
I had not given her the benefit of the doubt. There have been a few stories about the reasons for her having made the choices she had. Reasons which I actually really identify and agree with; the toxicity of 2000's culture perpetuated in popular media being one of them. There was that little glimmer of hope that my presumptions would turn out a null hypothesis.
And so it was. Grossly so. The lady that we eventually met and engaged with was the most gentle soul, who radiated genuineness and care for the people she interacted with. She actively engaged in conversations with every single person that approached her. She did not rush off, which in some cases I too honestly would have. She gave her full attention to us, and when called upon, excused herself and made sure she returned promptly to us. We were complete strangers from whom she had little to gain, yet she gave us her time and truly engaged with us.
I must apologise for having misjudged. I hope this will be a lesson to you as it has been to me. Give people the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise. Don't be naive, but also, not everyone has bad intentions. We have become a society of self preserving sceptics. All it has done is detract from opportunities for genuine human interaction.
Sorisha Naidoo created by Neolen Pillay for Lila Fine Art Photography
There is likely so much more to both of their stories. I really would love to get to know how they got to this point. How society shaped their motives and how we might improve society so that the same negative impacts do not land on future generations.
My one wish is that I would be granted the opportunity to learn the truth of their stories, and tell it through authentic photography. Through our approach to photography that aims to tell the authentic story of the people in the images.
Until next time...
Neo
References
Studio Binder. 2024. Ethos, Pathos and Logos - The Art of Persuasion Explained. Available at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26HZjIjyIkQ&ab_channel=StudioBinder. Accessed 26 June 2024.
Pirsig, R. M. (2014). Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance. Vintage.
About the Writer (perhaps one day...Author)
Neolen Pillay (Pr Eng) is a photographer and the founder of Lila Fine Art Photography. He is the writer and mind behind the blog posts that you read on this site, the development of the site and the content produced by Lila Fine Art Photography. After 10 years in the engineering industry, having received a BSc in Mechanical Engineering (UKZN), MEng in Development & Management Engineering (Cum Laude)(NWU) and accepted proposal for a PhD in Science, Engineering & Technology (UNISA), his topic aimed to diversify SET education by augmenting the curriculum to include for more psychological and emotional considerations. However, an unexpected turn of events, a bipolar diagnosis at the age of 33, completely changed his and his families trajectory. Photography became therapy for his condition, and he decided to dedicate his future to sharing his experiences, and interpretations of the world, in the hope that it will help someone somewhere going through, or who knows someone who might benefit from, similar experiences. He hopes to use his photography to tell the true story of his subjects through this powerful visual medium.
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