How many people, couples mostly, take the time to understand their own and their partner's emotional responses? If more did, it would make the world a lot more comfortable of a space.
'Only Human'
Strong Foundations
Leeanne and I met in 2007, during our first year at university. It was not until 2008 that we became a couple. She may argue that it was '09 but I count the 'struggle years'. We lived in sin from 2013 and got married in 2016. By now we can say that we have grown in leaps and bounds as a romantic couple, as friends, as each other's support system and as teammates raising Mira. We have grown immensely in that time, and continue to do so every day. The key to always moving forward stronger is we both have a very open mindset. No less the reason we are able to comfortably comment on the appearance and attractive nature of people in public or on TV. Neither of us gets angry, we know where home is. It's the reason why I am able to be a boudoir photographer despite so many (men especially) saying "You're so lucky that your wife lets you do that." Firstly, she does not 'allow me.' She has no desire to control what I do. I don't need permission, and that's what she says. Because we have trust. Secondly, I think that some (men especially once again) think that being a boudoir photographer means getting paid to stare are half-naked women, and then photograph them. This is true only in the sense that women are part of the demographic that we shoot. We also shoot couples and LGBTQI+ singles and couples et. al. If you think that gazing upon another person, finding them attractive, nice to look at or appealing means you're being deceitful in your partnership, you're sadly mistaken. This is why we are able to look at other people and say to each other, "She's beautiful," or "He's hot." If anyone says that their human nature turns off as soon as they have met someone, you're only lying to yourself and then you're lying to your partner. Is it not easier to just be honest but remind each other where home is no matter what?
I wanted to illustrate the level of trust we share and hoped it speaks to the level of openness we are trying to promote in society.
'Only Human' is one of my most powerful images to date. A judge commented that the subject must not have known that the image was being captured. Others may think it was staged. It was neither. Leeanne was truly crying and fully aware that I was capturing the image.
Ask yourself how much one's insecurity is tested to allow yourself to be captured in such a vulnerable way and then be strong enough to be willing to share that with the world. I take my hat off to her. This is the work we are trying to do with our photography. We are all ready to parade the retouched images of our perfect selves to the world, but hide the uncomfortable parts of being human. We need to normalise being human, and it being okay to express all the emotions that come with that. We need to normalise it to the extent that we are no longer embarrassed to hide that side of ourselves.
Assume the argument is that in an evolutionary sense one could break it down to self preservation. He who shows weakness is the last to be selected for continuation of the species, but lets be honest; society has played a bigger part in the status quo.
"It must be PMS or she is acting bipolar"
Menstruation. Period. Shark week. That time of the month. Whatever you want to call it, or don't because you are too embarrassed about something that literally happens to every woman under the sun, hormonal changes and neurotransmitter fluctuations happen. To everyone.
Then we have PMS (pre-menstrual stress) , which like 'bipolar' is used in a derogatory context to describe women's behaviour that seems out of the norm. "Must be PMS," or "That one is bipolar, the way she behaves." Do you even understand what the experience is like? Do you even understand why it happens? Have you ever tried to have a rational conversation about it? Probably not.
The closest I have come, and I do not draw equivalence in this, is the chemical imbalances that happen in the brain of one with bipolar mood disorder. For those who don't understand how it works, basically, we all have chemicals in our brains that regulate our behaviours. For some of us, the increase and decrease of the presence of said chemicals is inconsistent thus is called 'instability' to the extent that it can swing (yes -mood swings) from one end of the spectrum to the other end at the drop of a hat. We use medication to try to regulate that effect, hence the term 'mood stabiliser.'
Are you starting to see how all these terms have been misused to mean offensive things about people, predominantly women?
Now by my understanding, and from what Leeanne and I have spoken about, PMS is a time when a similar chemical inconsistency is happening. Not by choice. We know that hormonal fluctuations are present in the menstrual cycle. So why would it be so difficult to understand that every person with a menstrual cycle experiences rises and dips in mood, different to neurotypical men?
On my 35th birthday this year, I had no desire to be with people and celebrate. Why would one want nothing more than for their birthday to end, and without anything but love from the people around them? It was not voluntary. I did not choose to want everyone to just go away. I did not choose to feel numb and lifeless. I did not choose to feel that if it all were to disappear tomorrow (yes that's a nod to death) it would be fine with me. But it happened. When everyone left, I spent the rest of my 35th birthday either crying uncontrollably for no real reason, or sleeping. Do you think I wanted that? No.
The Image
That is where "Only Human" came from. A while later on a random morning, we were chatting about the fact that sometimes we exude emotion even though we don't want to and even though in our minds we are cognitively aware that the thing that's causing the feeling shouldn't be. It happens anyway, beyond our control.
So we asked, "Why don't we just say what's going on when it happens?" If it's an unregulated emotional release from me, I can say so and if it's PMS she can tell me that's how she is feeling. We give each other the space to be honest, the space to just feel, without each other thinking that it's something we did or caused. We know because we have agreed to tell each other when it is something that we are not happy about between us. It is certainly easier than beating around the bush and walking on eggshells. The underlying premise is that no matter what disagreement may exist, we know where home is. Even if we can't find common ground on an issue at the moment, we walk away, but we know where home is. If something that needs to be said is not going to be nice to hear, we accept that the response is not going to be nice yet we do it anyway, respectfully, because we know where home is, and where we want to always be in the long run, is home.
That is what led to this image. We, including Mira, were on the couch, chatting when Leeanne began to cry. She told me that the thing that was making her cry was something that we had worked through before and cognitively she shouldn't be crying about it, that's what she was thinking at least. However, being PMS meant that hormonal fluctuations were doing as they pleased, and the result was that she was crying. The feeling was real even though the thinking did not correspond. I asked if I could capture that moment.
A moment of vulnerability. A moment of what we would nowadays call 'ugly crying.' Humans suck huh? A moment in a bedroom gown, hair dishevelled, no make-up, bloodshot eyes and tears flowing. This is human. This is who every single one of us is sometimes. We need to stop glorifying fake put-on faces, and grossly modified images of ourselves. What are we saying to our kids? Be human but be embarrassed about it. Don't show the world your weakness. Rather create a facade and put that on show.
It needs to end. It will take the brave few like Leeanne, who are strong enough to expose their vulnerability. It is not easy. We have been conditioned by an ugly society. Being the ones trying to break the cycle, means having to unlearn the things that we ingrained in our minds growing up by the media and the world around us at the time.
As for the kids; We did not hide this from Mira (who is 5 might I add). We explained to her exactly what was going on. When she cries, she tells us, "I am just feeling sad, I don't know why." To which we say, "Crying is fine, cry if you need to and if there is something that you think of that is bothering you, you can always talk to us, but don't stop yourself from crying if it wants to happen. It is normal, a part of being human." We are also able to tell her that, mommy or daddy is crying for 'xyz' reason or no reason at all, so she doesn't think that she somehow did something to cause it.
I hope this was an interesting read for you. Give some of our techniques a try. I am warning you it is not easy, but growth only happens in the presence of discomfort.
Catch you next time
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